Possible basis for a play:

She smiled... Wryly, weighed down by what was to come, knowing where this conversation was going, despite her need to take it elsewhere, to drive these demons as far from them as she could, to survive this. Why did everything always lead back to this, to what had happened so long ago. It still poisoned their time together, a crimson cloud hovering above there every kiss, every moan, every moment of bliss. It was time to tell the truth, it would destroy them, it would destroy her, but it needed to be said. The truth. What a lie... No good ever came of being honest, of telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. “Yes, it happened”.

Signing out

Cesar

Graffiti!

Hey Hey!

That has a good holiday! Barcelona is easily one of the most amazing cities ive ever been in. And for idilic film set views Tamariu is just the shizzle. But one of the things i liked most about my time there was all the amazing graffiti all over Girona, Barcelona and the surrounds. These are my favourites. My thanks and apologies to the artists. Enjoy!

Signing out
Cesar

Regression anti-therapy!

Hey

Facebook turned my life upside down today. Well, im being over dramatic. It just made me feel like i used to in primary school. Roll soppy stories and emotional revelations.
As a kid, i used to get a lot of slack at school. I guess everyone does but it was about my sexuality and i guess because i wasnt sure either back then, it got to me. It used to really make me beat myself up, and to an extent accounts for who i am now. For better or worse. It made me put up a bit of a shell, and shield of indifference to others opinions of me. Thats probably why a lot of people take me for an arrogant cock when they meet me, because thats the imagine that i try to project. Its confident and proud and self-assured. It began as a shield yes, but like they say ,tell yourself something enough times, and u begin to believe it, you can will something to become true. I became confident, got over the names and bullying, and straightened my ideas out. I can now honestly say, and those who know me will vouch for me, that i know who i am, and on most days i in fact like who i am.
But this morning a wanker, yes there is no other word, who used to give me grief way back when did it again. And i felt like that 10 year old. I felt like crawling into a corner and giving up. But i decided to do the opposite. To write this, to bring it all out. To bare my proverbial soul... So to everyone who ever called me a gayboy, this is for you. Think what u will of me, you are not my friends, and ur opinions couldnt matter any less. My sexuality is not an issue, take from this what u will, id rather keep u guessing anyway. Makes me seem more interesting. I dont hate you, you are indifferent to me, this is the rant that expels my demons and reduces you to mere history, to part of why i am who i am, but never who i am.
Thank you everyone who on the contrary has affirmed my faith in humanity. This post is for you, for bringing me happiness. I love you.

Signing out.
Cesar

My Pride and Joy!

Hey guys!

Well, as promised to many people, here it is. Roxanne performed by my Social Ballroom class at Streetbeat's Powered By Music Showcase. Enjoy! And well done again guys, u were amazing!

Signing out
Cesar

The "D" Question

Someone asked me today: Is death the worst that could happen?

Sometimes i dont know. I know that maybe it shouldnt be, maybe losing someone you love, maybe not loving at all, maybe not being able to follow your passion or fulfill your dreams, those are the real losses in your life. For me though, true fear, probably my only fear, is dieing.. Leaving this earth and not being remembered, leaving this earth period. Not being able to do all the things that I wish i could.
Yes, its selfish i guess, its probably misguided, its probably because i'm young and foolish, but right now, death is the worst that could happen to me. Its fear of the unkown, its like being pushed into a dark room and knowing that you will never come out again.And then i wonder, should i believe in god then? Would it make this end, this inevitablitly easier knowing that something lay ahead, that i would come back one day?
Thats the emotionaly cop-out... Its the easy route, the comforting one... No, i couldnt. It just wouldnt make sense. I can't override all my other objections to God and religion purely to creat a safehaven for my fears. I will die one day, untill then i will try to leave a mark behind, so that years after i am gone, someone will say: Remeber Cesar, he did this, he made me feel good on this day, he change us, he changes something about our world....
So yes, death is the worst punishment. Not because their might not be anything after it, no; but because their is nothing more for you to leave behind.


Signing out
Cesar

Ramblings...

Justin awoke with a start, trembling and covered in an ice cold blanket of sweat, smotering him like a billowing cloud. It was alive in him again, stiring... waiting... exploiting his deep dark corners. He has to move, get up, walk, shake of this oppressive silence which let him dwell on his darkest fantasies...
Why did this happen? No matter what those fucking shrinks said, his childhood was not blame and the crackpot Freudian theories were was off when they said it all boiled down to sexual repression. There was nothing in his childhood to proke these, or even inspire them. It had been perfectly moral; molested by his uncle, corporal punishment both at school and at home, a loving father (when sober), football with his mates... An exemplary normal childhood... and repression? they had no fucking idea how unrepressed these... feelings? No. urges? Yeah, urges will do. were...
No, the real problem in his life was just that. His life! His goddam, pointless, routine, mundane, society restricted, meagerly clawed back life... It was those arround him that made him feel, awkward as if he were the only one with a booger dangling out of his nose while standing at a podium bellowing at a stadium sized crowed. They were the abnormal ones, to think that no one else felt thing they shouldn't, even did things they shouldn't! WHY THE FUCKING HELL SHOULDN' T THEY!
Why does everything have to been black and white. Pain, sex, muder, silence, noise, blood, hell, heaven... What does it all mean, when all that realy affects us the urge...

Signing out...
Cesar

Missing pre-school...

Hey guys!

Sorry for the delay, guess I just havent felt inspired to write; but here I am like I promised ;)
Well lately things have made me wish we were all still 6. Remember the days when relationships consisted merely of saying: "I'm going out with her" and hold hands. Innofensive, uncomplicated, untainted, without second intentions or objectives... I miss how simple things were
Now... Well, now ending a relationsip is never as clean cut. Things are messy, feelings are real and people get hurt, and its not always the ones who you think would be in pain. We grieve for those lost moments, for the person who broke our hearts. We learn that betrayal of trust cuts deeper than any miss placed kiss ever could.
Then there is the prospect of a new relationship... The fear of rejection. The misread signals (and here I would like to say, once and for all, that I dont understand subliminal messages by people of the female persuasion! we are men, it doesnt work!!!). The joy of thinking there might be something there, the agony of running every moment through your mind, analizing every touch, every look and every word looking for hope...


In all this clutter and mess though there is a reason I'm glad we all grew up. I love you now means something. More than anything else, when it is said with meaning...

Signing out...
Cesar

Choices

Sometimes shit happens, right?

But you learn. And soon you'll find that when you don't just decide to lie down and cry, blame the world, or god, or everyone else and lament your sorry life; but instead stand up a little bit taller, pull your racked heart and realling mind together, suck it in and carry on, only one thing really matters... It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it. This is that defining moment when you realise, I am not a child, the power to chance my life and rise above all the shit is mine. It's all in that catchword and urban myth called CHOICE!

Signing out
Cesar

Promise

Dearest soulmate,

I hope you are out there, somewhere, waiting for me, not piously or with chastity for I cannot expect what I do not fulfill... But at least knowingly, not in your mind but in your heart, or with the same hope that one day we will find each other. Not for happily ever after, for fairytails are just that, but for all the times when you wished you were alone even though you know that's the one thing you don't need... For the times when you wish someone would say "Shut up and get on with it"... For the times when you could just lie in bed listening to their heartbeat, because nothing else in the world seems as real or miraculous as having some contented at your side... For the times when we all feel fragile, lost, excited, misunderstood, angry and in love...
In short, I promise to be me. With all my faults and habits, vices and virtues, but also with all my love and devotion, no matter what... If you are out there, or if I have already met you and ruined it, know that I wait, bleeding, hopeful, smiling, crying, frustrated and joyous for the day when I can make you happy...

Me xxx

The Martini Recipe

Heya

Well due to popular demand (a single comment, which in recent days seems to be as close to popular demand as i'm gonna get... hehehe), here are the two most common Martini recipes. I thought as seen as i am a part time barman i could help the world and teach myself a cocktail at the same time. Enjoy responsibly...

Vodka Martini

100ml Vodka
6ml Dry Vermouth
Lemon twist or olive

Shake in a boston tin with loads of ice, strain and serve in a cocktail glass with the twist or olive.

The Classic Gin Martini

75ml Gin
3ml Dry Vermouth
Lemon twist or olive

Stir together in a mixing glass with ice, strain and serve in a cocktail glass with your chosen garnish.


Hope this help
Cesar