Monday, December 28, 2009
It makes me so angry...
... that the moment I think I'm over you, you come back into my life and make me feel exactly the same way you used to. In love with you, to the point where spending the rest of my life with you seems a certainty, a perfect possibility, the only possibility. There's a condition. I need to be honest. We can't exist together if you don't know everything. If afterwards you hate me, if afterwards we break this, if afterwards we find that maybe we were wrong, that we aren't meant to be. Well, at least we tried. No more what ifs...
Monday, December 21, 2009
Serendipity...
Serendipity
–noun
| 1. | an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident. |
| 2. | good fortune; luck |
Those who know me, know I have a hard time believing in anything. I have issue with the concept of god and religion baffles me. Politics is fraught with pointless exercises in stupidity. Justice is, to be frank, interpreted in so many different ways that its universality doesn't come close to existing. Science is too dispassionate and narrow minded to ever really be an answer. So what's left? Well call it superstition, call it plain stupidity, but all that we are left with is Luck.
Good old Lady Luck. That beautiful goddess that pops up in the most ridiculous of places and does things we never imagined could happen. To the naysayers: think about it. The people you are closest to in life, your dearest friends, how did you meet? I know for a fact that had we both not, quite randomly, decided to pluck up the courage to ask the random person walking towards the same building one cold september day 2 years ago, i would not have the amazing friends i do. (and who i have neglected over the past few months and promise to make it up to them). Heck, the great loves of our lives come about in acts of complete random chance! What if i hadn't found the surname Hohenstein intriguing, and she hadn't thought that reading 10 books over the holidays was an attractive quality.... I wouldn't be teaching dance, my blood and soul, if it wasn't for a lazy saturday night working behind a bar watching strictly and some bored punters being interested in why i was berating the tv. Don't get me wrong, im not saying everything will just fall into your lap if you wait around for your lucky day. Its always up to you to take a lucky break and make it into something incredible....
In the end you can put it down to coincidence, just a question of being in the right place at the right time. I say i was lucky to be there, because without it, i wouldn't have half of the joy i do today!
Signing out....
Cesar
Good old Lady Luck. That beautiful goddess that pops up in the most ridiculous of places and does things we never imagined could happen. To the naysayers: think about it. The people you are closest to in life, your dearest friends, how did you meet? I know for a fact that had we both not, quite randomly, decided to pluck up the courage to ask the random person walking towards the same building one cold september day 2 years ago, i would not have the amazing friends i do. (and who i have neglected over the past few months and promise to make it up to them). Heck, the great loves of our lives come about in acts of complete random chance! What if i hadn't found the surname Hohenstein intriguing, and she hadn't thought that reading 10 books over the holidays was an attractive quality.... I wouldn't be teaching dance, my blood and soul, if it wasn't for a lazy saturday night working behind a bar watching strictly and some bored punters being interested in why i was berating the tv. Don't get me wrong, im not saying everything will just fall into your lap if you wait around for your lucky day. Its always up to you to take a lucky break and make it into something incredible....
In the end you can put it down to coincidence, just a question of being in the right place at the right time. I say i was lucky to be there, because without it, i wouldn't have half of the joy i do today!
Signing out....
Cesar
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Love
Sometimes I think we use it too freely, or maybe we just don’t realize how much it means, or maybe it really is that easy. Falling hard, falling fast. Maybe that’s ok, not needy, or creepy, or a problem. Why wait months to say I love you, if u mean it, say it. Surely all that matters is that in that moment, what you are saying is honest and real. It’s unfair that we are judged because we have the courage to say what we feel. I LOVE YOU! Who knows if I will in two days, two months, two years. What matters is that right here, right now, I do. I walk away from u skipping, smiling, with my heart skipping beats and an uncontrollable laughter inside me, a fountain of hope that this won’t end too soon, and that i will get to spend more time in your arms.
And then it ends. You don’t feel the same, you don’t know what you feel, you feel it for someone else. And I break, again. Maybe it’s my fault for letting it be so easy, for falling. So hard. So fast. I promise you one thing though, I meant every word. It will pass, or it won’t. Maybe in 10 years ill still think you were the one that got away, but I won’t regret it, because i tried. Just know that i never lied... I wish things had worked out differently. Maybe they still can...
And then it ends. You don’t feel the same, you don’t know what you feel, you feel it for someone else. And I break, again. Maybe it’s my fault for letting it be so easy, for falling. So hard. So fast. I promise you one thing though, I meant every word. It will pass, or it won’t. Maybe in 10 years ill still think you were the one that got away, but I won’t regret it, because i tried. Just know that i never lied... I wish things had worked out differently. Maybe they still can...
Signing out...
Cesar
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Just some lyrics...
I wish I could Bubble Wrap my heart,
In case I fall and break apart,
I'm not God I can't change the stars,
And I don't know if there's life on Mars,
But I know you hurt,
The people that you love and those who care for you,
I want nothing to do with the things you're going through.
This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised,
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who-oo-oo-oo
Do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.
I'm a little dazed and confused,
But life's a bitch and so are you,
All my days have turned into nights,
Cos living without, without, without you in my life,
And you wrote the book on how to be a liar,
And lose all your friends,
Did I mean nothing at all?
Was I just another ghost that's been in your bed?
Cos this is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised,
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who-oo-oo-oo
Do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.
Yeah!
Turn on the radio honey,
Cos every single sad song you'll be able to relate!
And this one i dedicate!
Whoa oh!
Don't get all emotional baby,
You can never talk to me,
You're unable to communicate!
This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised...
This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised,
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who-oo-oo-oo
Do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.
This is Goodbye.
Bubble Wrap - McFly
In case I fall and break apart,
I'm not God I can't change the stars,
And I don't know if there's life on Mars,
But I know you hurt,
The people that you love and those who care for you,
I want nothing to do with the things you're going through.
This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised,
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who-oo-oo-oo
Do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.
I'm a little dazed and confused,
But life's a bitch and so are you,
All my days have turned into nights,
Cos living without, without, without you in my life,
And you wrote the book on how to be a liar,
And lose all your friends,
Did I mean nothing at all?
Was I just another ghost that's been in your bed?
Cos this is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised,
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who-oo-oo-oo
Do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.
Yeah!
Turn on the radio honey,
Cos every single sad song you'll be able to relate!
And this one i dedicate!
Whoa oh!
Don't get all emotional baby,
You can never talk to me,
You're unable to communicate!
This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised...
This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised,
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who-oo-oo-oo
Do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.
This is Goodbye.
Bubble Wrap - McFly
Friday, July 03, 2009
Possible basis for a play:
She smiled... Wryly, weighed down by what was to come, knowing where this conversation was going, despite her need to take it elsewhere, to drive these demons as far from them as she could, to survive this. Why did everything always lead back to this, to what had happened so long ago. It still poisoned their time together, a crimson cloud hovering above there every kiss, every moan, every moment of bliss. It was time to tell the truth, it would destroy them, it would destroy her, but it needed to be said. The truth. What a lie... No good ever came of being honest, of telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. “Yes, it happened”.
Signing out
Cesar
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Graffiti!
Hey Hey!
That has a good holiday! Barcelona is easily one of the most amazing cities ive ever been in. And for idilic film set views Tamariu is just the shizzle. But one of the things i liked most about my time there was all the amazing graffiti all over Girona, Barcelona and the surrounds. These are my favourites. My thanks and apologies to the artists. Enjoy!
That has a good holiday! Barcelona is easily one of the most amazing cities ive ever been in. And for idilic film set views Tamariu is just the shizzle. But one of the things i liked most about my time there was all the amazing graffiti all over Girona, Barcelona and the surrounds. These are my favourites. My thanks and apologies to the artists. Enjoy!
Signing outCesar
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Regression anti-therapy!
Hey
Facebook turned my life upside down today. Well, im being over dramatic. It just made me feel like i used to in primary school. Roll soppy stories and emotional revelations.
As a kid, i used to get a lot of slack at school. I guess everyone does but it was about my sexuality and i guess because i wasnt sure either back then, it got to me. It used to really make me beat myself up, and to an extent accounts for who i am now. For better or worse. It made me put up a bit of a shell, and shield of indifference to others opinions of me. Thats probably why a lot of people take me for an arrogant cock when they meet me, because thats the imagine that i try to project. Its confident and proud and self-assured. It began as a shield yes, but like they say ,tell yourself something enough times, and u begin to believe it, you can will something to become true. I became confident, got over the names and bullying, and straightened my ideas out. I can now honestly say, and those who know me will vouch for me, that i know who i am, and on most days i in fact like who i am.
But this morning a wanker, yes there is no other word, who used to give me grief way back when did it again. And i felt like that 10 year old. I felt like crawling into a corner and giving up. But i decided to do the opposite. To write this, to bring it all out. To bare my proverbial soul... So to everyone who ever called me a gayboy, this is for you. Think what u will of me, you are not my friends, and ur opinions couldnt matter any less. My sexuality is not an issue, take from this what u will, id rather keep u guessing anyway. Makes me seem more interesting. I dont hate you, you are indifferent to me, this is the rant that expels my demons and reduces you to mere history, to part of why i am who i am, but never who i am.
Thank you everyone who on the contrary has affirmed my faith in humanity. This post is for you, for bringing me happiness. I love you.
Signing out.
Cesar
Facebook turned my life upside down today. Well, im being over dramatic. It just made me feel like i used to in primary school. Roll soppy stories and emotional revelations.
As a kid, i used to get a lot of slack at school. I guess everyone does but it was about my sexuality and i guess because i wasnt sure either back then, it got to me. It used to really make me beat myself up, and to an extent accounts for who i am now. For better or worse. It made me put up a bit of a shell, and shield of indifference to others opinions of me. Thats probably why a lot of people take me for an arrogant cock when they meet me, because thats the imagine that i try to project. Its confident and proud and self-assured. It began as a shield yes, but like they say ,tell yourself something enough times, and u begin to believe it, you can will something to become true. I became confident, got over the names and bullying, and straightened my ideas out. I can now honestly say, and those who know me will vouch for me, that i know who i am, and on most days i in fact like who i am.
But this morning a wanker, yes there is no other word, who used to give me grief way back when did it again. And i felt like that 10 year old. I felt like crawling into a corner and giving up. But i decided to do the opposite. To write this, to bring it all out. To bare my proverbial soul... So to everyone who ever called me a gayboy, this is for you. Think what u will of me, you are not my friends, and ur opinions couldnt matter any less. My sexuality is not an issue, take from this what u will, id rather keep u guessing anyway. Makes me seem more interesting. I dont hate you, you are indifferent to me, this is the rant that expels my demons and reduces you to mere history, to part of why i am who i am, but never who i am.
Thank you everyone who on the contrary has affirmed my faith in humanity. This post is for you, for bringing me happiness. I love you.
Signing out.
Cesar
Thursday, May 07, 2009
My Pride and Joy!
Hey guys!
Well, as promised to many people, here it is. Roxanne performed by my Social Ballroom class at Streetbeat's Powered By Music Showcase. Enjoy! And well done again guys, u were amazing!
Well, as promised to many people, here it is. Roxanne performed by my Social Ballroom class at Streetbeat's Powered By Music Showcase. Enjoy! And well done again guys, u were amazing!
Signing out
Cesar
Saturday, April 11, 2009
The "D" Question
Someone asked me today: Is death the worst that could happen?
Sometimes i dont know. I know that maybe it shouldnt be, maybe losing someone you love, maybe not loving at all, maybe not being able to follow your passion or fulfill your dreams, those are the real losses in your life. For me though, true fear, probably my only fear, is dieing.. Leaving this earth and not being remembered, leaving this earth period. Not being able to do all the things that I wish i could.
Yes, its selfish i guess, its probably misguided, its probably because i'm young and foolish, but right now, death is the worst that could happen to me. Its fear of the unkown, its like being pushed into a dark room and knowing that you will never come out again.And then i wonder, should i believe in god then? Would it make this end, this inevitablitly easier knowing that something lay ahead, that i would come back one day?
Thats the emotionaly cop-out... Its the easy route, the comforting one... No, i couldnt. It just wouldnt make sense. I can't override all my other objections to God and religion purely to creat a safehaven for my fears. I will die one day, untill then i will try to leave a mark behind, so that years after i am gone, someone will say: Remeber Cesar, he did this, he made me feel good on this day, he change us, he changes something about our world....
So yes, death is the worst punishment. Not because their might not be anything after it, no; but because their is nothing more for you to leave behind.
Signing out
Cesar
Sometimes i dont know. I know that maybe it shouldnt be, maybe losing someone you love, maybe not loving at all, maybe not being able to follow your passion or fulfill your dreams, those are the real losses in your life. For me though, true fear, probably my only fear, is dieing.. Leaving this earth and not being remembered, leaving this earth period. Not being able to do all the things that I wish i could.
Yes, its selfish i guess, its probably misguided, its probably because i'm young and foolish, but right now, death is the worst that could happen to me. Its fear of the unkown, its like being pushed into a dark room and knowing that you will never come out again.And then i wonder, should i believe in god then? Would it make this end, this inevitablitly easier knowing that something lay ahead, that i would come back one day?
Thats the emotionaly cop-out... Its the easy route, the comforting one... No, i couldnt. It just wouldnt make sense. I can't override all my other objections to God and religion purely to creat a safehaven for my fears. I will die one day, untill then i will try to leave a mark behind, so that years after i am gone, someone will say: Remeber Cesar, he did this, he made me feel good on this day, he change us, he changes something about our world....
So yes, death is the worst punishment. Not because their might not be anything after it, no; but because their is nothing more for you to leave behind.
Signing out
Cesar
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Ramblings...
Justin awoke with a start, trembling and covered in an ice cold blanket of sweat, smotering him like a billowing cloud. It was alive in him again, stiring... waiting... exploiting his deep dark corners. He has to move, get up, walk, shake of this oppressive silence which let him dwell on his darkest fantasies...
Why did this happen? No matter what those fucking shrinks said, his childhood was not blame and the crackpot Freudian theories were was off when they said it all boiled down to sexual repression. There was nothing in his childhood to proke these, or even inspire them. It had been perfectly moral; molested by his uncle, corporal punishment both at school and at home, a loving father (when sober), football with his mates... An exemplary normal childhood... and repression? they had no fucking idea how unrepressed these... feelings? No. urges? Yeah, urges will do. were...
No, the real problem in his life was just that. His life! His goddam, pointless, routine, mundane, society restricted, meagerly clawed back life... It was those arround him that made him feel, awkward as if he were the only one with a booger dangling out of his nose while standing at a podium bellowing at a stadium sized crowed. They were the abnormal ones, to think that no one else felt thing they shouldn't, even did things they shouldn't! WHY THE FUCKING HELL SHOULDN' T THEY!
Why does everything have to been black and white. Pain, sex, muder, silence, noise, blood, hell, heaven... What does it all mean, when all that realy affects us the urge...
Signing out...
Cesar
Why did this happen? No matter what those fucking shrinks said, his childhood was not blame and the crackpot Freudian theories were was off when they said it all boiled down to sexual repression. There was nothing in his childhood to proke these, or even inspire them. It had been perfectly moral; molested by his uncle, corporal punishment both at school and at home, a loving father (when sober), football with his mates... An exemplary normal childhood... and repression? they had no fucking idea how unrepressed these... feelings? No. urges? Yeah, urges will do. were...
No, the real problem in his life was just that. His life! His goddam, pointless, routine, mundane, society restricted, meagerly clawed back life... It was those arround him that made him feel, awkward as if he were the only one with a booger dangling out of his nose while standing at a podium bellowing at a stadium sized crowed. They were the abnormal ones, to think that no one else felt thing they shouldn't, even did things they shouldn't! WHY THE FUCKING HELL SHOULDN' T THEY!
Why does everything have to been black and white. Pain, sex, muder, silence, noise, blood, hell, heaven... What does it all mean, when all that realy affects us the urge...
Signing out...
Cesar
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Missing pre-school...
Hey guys!
Sorry for the delay, guess I just havent felt inspired to write; but here I am like I promised ;)
Well lately things have made me wish we were all still 6. Remember the days when relationships consisted merely of saying: "I'm going out with her" and hold hands. Innofensive, uncomplicated, untainted, without second intentions or objectives... I miss how simple things were
Now... Well, now ending a relationsip is never as clean cut. Things are messy, feelings are real and people get hurt, and its not always the ones who you think would be in pain. We grieve for those lost moments, for the person who broke our hearts. We learn that betrayal of trust cuts deeper than any miss placed kiss ever could.
Then there is the prospect of a new relationship... The fear of rejection. The misread signals (and here I would like to say, once and for all, that I dont understand subliminal messages by people of the female persuasion! we are men, it doesnt work!!!). The joy of thinking there might be something there, the agony of running every moment through your mind, analizing every touch, every look and every word looking for hope...
In all this clutter and mess though there is a reason I'm glad we all grew up. I love you now means something. More than anything else, when it is said with meaning...
Signing out...
Cesar
Sorry for the delay, guess I just havent felt inspired to write; but here I am like I promised ;)
Well lately things have made me wish we were all still 6. Remember the days when relationships consisted merely of saying: "I'm going out with her" and hold hands. Innofensive, uncomplicated, untainted, without second intentions or objectives... I miss how simple things were
Now... Well, now ending a relationsip is never as clean cut. Things are messy, feelings are real and people get hurt, and its not always the ones who you think would be in pain. We grieve for those lost moments, for the person who broke our hearts. We learn that betrayal of trust cuts deeper than any miss placed kiss ever could.
Then there is the prospect of a new relationship... The fear of rejection. The misread signals (and here I would like to say, once and for all, that I dont understand subliminal messages by people of the female persuasion! we are men, it doesnt work!!!). The joy of thinking there might be something there, the agony of running every moment through your mind, analizing every touch, every look and every word looking for hope...
In all this clutter and mess though there is a reason I'm glad we all grew up. I love you now means something. More than anything else, when it is said with meaning...
Signing out...
Cesar
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