Ramblings...

Justin awoke with a start, trembling and covered in an ice cold blanket of sweat, smotering him like a billowing cloud. It was alive in him again, stiring... waiting... exploiting his deep dark corners. He has to move, get up, walk, shake of this oppressive silence which let him dwell on his darkest fantasies...
Why did this happen? No matter what those fucking shrinks said, his childhood was not blame and the crackpot Freudian theories were was off when they said it all boiled down to sexual repression. There was nothing in his childhood to proke these, or even inspire them. It had been perfectly moral; molested by his uncle, corporal punishment both at school and at home, a loving father (when sober), football with his mates... An exemplary normal childhood... and repression? they had no fucking idea how unrepressed these... feelings? No. urges? Yeah, urges will do. were...
No, the real problem in his life was just that. His life! His goddam, pointless, routine, mundane, society restricted, meagerly clawed back life... It was those arround him that made him feel, awkward as if he were the only one with a booger dangling out of his nose while standing at a podium bellowing at a stadium sized crowed. They were the abnormal ones, to think that no one else felt thing they shouldn't, even did things they shouldn't! WHY THE FUCKING HELL SHOULDN' T THEY!
Why does everything have to been black and white. Pain, sex, muder, silence, noise, blood, hell, heaven... What does it all mean, when all that realy affects us the urge...

Signing out...
Cesar

Missing pre-school...

Hey guys!

Sorry for the delay, guess I just havent felt inspired to write; but here I am like I promised ;)
Well lately things have made me wish we were all still 6. Remember the days when relationships consisted merely of saying: "I'm going out with her" and hold hands. Innofensive, uncomplicated, untainted, without second intentions or objectives... I miss how simple things were
Now... Well, now ending a relationsip is never as clean cut. Things are messy, feelings are real and people get hurt, and its not always the ones who you think would be in pain. We grieve for those lost moments, for the person who broke our hearts. We learn that betrayal of trust cuts deeper than any miss placed kiss ever could.
Then there is the prospect of a new relationship... The fear of rejection. The misread signals (and here I would like to say, once and for all, that I dont understand subliminal messages by people of the female persuasion! we are men, it doesnt work!!!). The joy of thinking there might be something there, the agony of running every moment through your mind, analizing every touch, every look and every word looking for hope...


In all this clutter and mess though there is a reason I'm glad we all grew up. I love you now means something. More than anything else, when it is said with meaning...

Signing out...
Cesar