Motivation/Inspiration

Nothing like procrastination to get you back to doing things you've been putting off for ages/forgotten about.

In all honestu, as much as I'd like to deny it, I seem to have the lowest motivation set point of anyone I know. Left to my own devices I will do very little, spend most of my time dancing and daydreaming and watching endless hours of television. Paradoxically (shouldn't use words like that) I've always got 3 million ideas running through my mind. It seems that without someone next to me to push me, I get nothing done. And it's not even a question of them telling me to get stuff done, my incredibly stubborn nature will make sure than anything like that has absolutely no effect on me. No, it all seems to come down to 1 of 2 things: either their constant massaging of my ego or their constant put downs of the same.

Fickle I know. The most productive periods of my life are those where I am trying to live up to someone's high expectations of me, or trying to prove someone's low expectations of me wrong. So where the hell am I now? No one seems to expect any more or any less of me. I no longer surprise or dissapoint. I've become everything I don't need, my own condemnation to apathy.

And this is all a rant that will soon be overtaken by something new, or someone who will push.

Signing out...
Cesar

I identify with things I probably shouldn't...

This Be The Verse

by Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

Thank you Dan.

New Year Resolutions:

1 - Keep things simple
2 - Take more risks
3 - Start going to the gym.

It makes me so angry...

... that the moment I think I'm over you, you come back into my life and make me feel exactly the same way you used to. In love with you, to the point where spending the rest of my life with you seems a certainty, a perfect possibility, the only possibility. There's a condition. I need to be honest. We can't exist together if you don't know everything. If afterwards you hate me, if afterwards we break this, if afterwards we find that maybe we were wrong, that we aren't meant to be. Well, at least we tried. No more what ifs...

Serendipity...

Serendipity

–noun

1.	an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.

2.	good fortune; luck

Those who know me, know I have a hard time believing in anything. I have issue with the concept of god and religion baffles me. Politics is fraught with pointless exercises in stupidity. Justice is, to be frank, interpreted in so many different ways that its universality doesn't come close to existing. Science is too dispassionate and narrow minded to ever really be an answer. So what's left? Well call it superstition, call it plain stupidity, but all that we are left with is Luck.
Good old Lady Luck. That beautiful goddess that pops up in the most ridiculous of places and does things we never imagined could happen. To the naysayers: think about it. The people you are closest to in life, your dearest friends, how did you meet? I know for a fact that had we both not, quite randomly, decided to pluck up the courage to ask the random person walking towards the same building one cold september day 2 years ago, i would not have the amazing friends i do. (and who i have neglected over the past few months and promise to make it up to them). Heck, the great loves of our lives come about in acts of complete random chance! What if i hadn't found the surname Hohenstein intriguing, and she hadn't thought that reading 10 books over the holidays was an attractive quality.... I wouldn't be teaching dance, my blood and soul, if it wasn't for a lazy saturday night working behind a bar watching strictly and some bored punters being interested in why i was berating the tv. Don't get me wrong, im not saying everything will just fall into your lap if you wait around for your lucky day. Its always up to you to take a lucky break and make it into something incredible....
In the end you can put it down to coincidence, just a question of being in the right place at the right time. I say i was lucky to be there, because without it, i wouldn't have half of the joy i do today!

Signing out....
Cesar

Love

Sometimes I think we use it too freely, or maybe we just don’t realize how much it means, or maybe it really is that easy. Falling hard, falling fast. Maybe that’s ok, not needy, or creepy, or a problem. Why wait months to say I love you, if u mean it, say it. Surely all that matters is that in that moment, what you are saying is honest and real. It’s unfair that we are judged because we have the courage to say what we feel. I LOVE YOU! Who knows if I will in two days, two months, two years. What matters is that right here, right now, I do. I walk away from u skipping, smiling, with my heart skipping beats and an uncontrollable laughter inside me, a fountain of hope that this won’t end too soon, and that i will get to spend more time in your arms.
And then it ends. You don’t feel the same, you don’t know what you feel, you feel it for someone else. And I break, again. Maybe it’s my fault for letting it be so easy, for falling. So hard. So fast. I promise you one thing though, I meant every word. It will pass, or it won’t. Maybe in 10 years ill still think you were the one that got away, but I won’t regret it, because i tried. Just know that i never lied... I wish things had worked out differently. Maybe they still can...

Signing out...
Cesar

Just some lyrics...

I wish I could Bubble Wrap my heart,
In case I fall and break apart,
I'm not God I can't change the stars,
And I don't know if there's life on Mars,
But I know you hurt,
The people that you love and those who care for you,
I want nothing to do with the things you're going through.

This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised,
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who-oo-oo-oo
Do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.

I'm a little dazed and confused,
But life's a bitch and so are you,
All my days have turned into nights,
Cos living without, without, without you in my life,
And you wrote the book on how to be a liar,
And lose all your friends,
Did I mean nothing at all?
Was I just another ghost that's been in your bed?

Cos this is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised,
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who-oo-oo-oo
Do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.

Yeah!
Turn on the radio honey,
Cos every single sad song you'll be able to relate!
And this one i dedicate!

Whoa oh!
Don't get all emotional baby,
You can never talk to me,
You're unable to communicate!

This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised...

This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm,
A broken man who's finally realised,
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who-oo-oo-oo
Do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.

This is Goodbye.

Bubble Wrap - McFly

Possible basis for a play:

She smiled... Wryly, weighed down by what was to come, knowing where this conversation was going, despite her need to take it elsewhere, to drive these demons as far from them as she could, to survive this. Why did everything always lead back to this, to what had happened so long ago. It still poisoned their time together, a crimson cloud hovering above there every kiss, every moan, every moment of bliss. It was time to tell the truth, it would destroy them, it would destroy her, but it needed to be said. The truth. What a lie... No good ever came of being honest, of telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. “Yes, it happened”.

Signing out

Cesar

Graffiti!

Hey Hey!

That has a good holiday! Barcelona is easily one of the most amazing cities ive ever been in. And for idilic film set views Tamariu is just the shizzle. But one of the things i liked most about my time there was all the amazing graffiti all over Girona, Barcelona and the surrounds. These are my favourites. My thanks and apologies to the artists. Enjoy!

Signing out
Cesar

Regression anti-therapy!

Hey

Facebook turned my life upside down today. Well, im being over dramatic. It just made me feel like i used to in primary school. Roll soppy stories and emotional revelations.
As a kid, i used to get a lot of slack at school. I guess everyone does but it was about my sexuality and i guess because i wasnt sure either back then, it got to me. It used to really make me beat myself up, and to an extent accounts for who i am now. For better or worse. It made me put up a bit of a shell, and shield of indifference to others opinions of me. Thats probably why a lot of people take me for an arrogant cock when they meet me, because thats the imagine that i try to project. Its confident and proud and self-assured. It began as a shield yes, but like they say ,tell yourself something enough times, and u begin to believe it, you can will something to become true. I became confident, got over the names and bullying, and straightened my ideas out. I can now honestly say, and those who know me will vouch for me, that i know who i am, and on most days i in fact like who i am.
But this morning a wanker, yes there is no other word, who used to give me grief way back when did it again. And i felt like that 10 year old. I felt like crawling into a corner and giving up. But i decided to do the opposite. To write this, to bring it all out. To bare my proverbial soul... So to everyone who ever called me a gayboy, this is for you. Think what u will of me, you are not my friends, and ur opinions couldnt matter any less. My sexuality is not an issue, take from this what u will, id rather keep u guessing anyway. Makes me seem more interesting. I dont hate you, you are indifferent to me, this is the rant that expels my demons and reduces you to mere history, to part of why i am who i am, but never who i am.
Thank you everyone who on the contrary has affirmed my faith in humanity. This post is for you, for bringing me happiness. I love you.

Signing out.
Cesar